User talk:Dan Haslam
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:00, January 21, 2015 (UTC) Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Paranoia By Dan Haslam page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Likferd (talk) 12:00, January 21, 2015 (UTC) Re-uploaded story Please don't re-upload your deleted story. It is against the rules. If you feel your story is well-written or meets the Quality Standards criteria, make a case on deletion appeal or post it into our Writer's Workshop for comprehensive user review. If you re-upload a deleted pasta again, you will receive a 1-day suspension from editing. LOLSKELETONS (talk) 16:58, January 21, 2015 (UTC) "Dan Haslam", "Paranoia", "English:", etc. are not viable categories. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:01, January 21, 2015 (UTC) RE: No, your story was deleted as it didn't meet the quality standards of this wiki. (although adding non-existent categories is an important thing to avoid.) First and foremost, you need to break up your paragraphs more. A paragraph is usually five to ten sentences. Your first paragraph is 30+ sentences long. Additionally numbers should be written out as words if they are less than one hundred (or indicating money or time.) especially if they start a sentence. "17 years old, he was!" I would also recommend cutting down on the sentence fragments. Punctuation issues: Apostrophes missing from words indicating possession "summer(')s night". commas missing where needed: "I’m thinking to myself(,) “Where the fuck were the voices coming from?”.(period not needed)" Punctuation left outside of quotation marks: "Junior”,", “Junior, get up lad”.", “Stupid shits”,". Wording issues: "I was sat (sic) in my living room with my pet dog, Junior, that I must have had since i (I) was a kid. 17 years old, he was!", "Anyway, I was sat (sic) watching some crappy show that..." You shift tenses from past to present through-out the story. "I am looking around and look back at the bottom of the stairs and I see the front door close and the light begins to flicker once again and turns off." (Additionally redundancy with the word "and.") "But begins to shake.I(space needed) rush back upstairs and nothing happens for the rest of the night." (Avoid starting multiple sentences with conjunctions as it gives the story a choppy/uneven flow. Capitalization issues: You forget to capitalize "I" a number of times. Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "it’s head" Story issues: Red eyes are fairly Cliched and should be avoided whenever possible. Finally there really needs to be more build-up/fleshing out of the shadow creature. In the story, the narrator catches it walking around and sees a glimpse of it at the end. If you're going to use an ending like: "It’s watching. Always watching.", the shadow needs to be more prevalent in the story, Also giving the being a sense of danger/intimidation would really help out the story. All in all, it seems like the story is loosely tied around the shadow, but there isn't really any connection between the red-glow of the tv. the dog's red eyes, and the shadow. It just comes off like three creepy events you felt would be good in a story, but didn't really connect together. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:31, January 21, 2015 (UTC) :Remember that in order to re-upload your story, you need to submit a Deletion Appeal. Re-uploading it doing so (unless it is revised so much that it is a completely different story.) will result in it being deleted again and you being given a one day ban. Have a good one. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:40, January 21, 2015 (UTC) ::Sic=sic erat scriptum or "said in content". Usually used to draw focus on a word or phrase from a quote. While "I was sat" is an accepted phrase, the actions you are describing are continuing/ongoing (Sitting, watching) in the past tense. (imperfect active) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:53, January 21, 2015 (UTC)